Cor, Blimey! What an introduction to THD I have had.
Moving from the 7s to the 1s and the added level of fame which surrounds this has certainly had some perks - playing with the head of the Russian Mafia, a better standard of hockey, even more interest from the ladies, executive trips to the London eye and friends for life (on that note - @woodytpp is my twitter page and I am worth following). However one transition which I have not enjoyed is from winning to losing. Especially, when we lose to a team that relies solely on one player (he did have a good drag flick) and offer us a measly bowl of soup for our journey home. This made me angry, and no one likes an angry 12 year old.

I'm sure many people have reasons as to why we lost, but mine is the only one which counts, as I have won my first TFC. I have had one sleepless night thinking about the loss and with the assistance of a very pretty lady we came to the conclusion that one word describes our recent lack of form best -Basics.

Our press was shoddy, our shape with and without the ball was non-existent and our communication was ineffective. Without these basics we won't get the opportunity to show off our mental Indian dribble or insane disguise passes to the best effect. Naturally, I am a winner and in order start winning we need to recognise the reasons why we are losing (besides having a ginger rodent play a full game at right back). We need to take more pride in doing the 'boring' things; getting fit, front marking and shouting at hobbs to name a few. When we do this we will win and winning is cool.

We started well - 'compact, imposing, organised' would be suitable adjectives to describe the first fifteen minutes and we were deservedly rewarded via the man himself - Boris Vink, an incredibly well taken goal. Then they scored and these adjectives morphed into 'timid, frantic and average' and we were punished by a decent flicker. Shockingly, our centre back, centre midfielder and striker (Mr White) got sent off for being deliberately hit in the head and being less than impressed with it.

However with 3 points next week we can put that winning feeling in our tummies over the festive period and we can come back fitter than and mount an attack on this league.

Despite the result there were some positives to come out of the weekend;

1) The London Eye was a cultural extravaganza, after all 'I do love London'
2) Fresh's bird having the absolute hots for me. Guilty.
C) Getting 2 more friends on FB. Cheers nick and Mark.
3) Hobbs capturing a bird/victim - if he can do it, literally, anyone can.
4) Riding dirty with the Vink. He practically makes up his own highway code.
5) Getting a stiffy

However I would trade all this for three points. Therefore my weekly planner reads something like this.
Work - train - work - run - gym - carbo-load - match - 3 points - xmas dinner - 68 pints - 3 birds.

Pigden W, Hobbs M, Warner N, Longstreet J, Hill A, Rhodes C, White M (C), Huntley J, Vink A, Woodgate O, Richardson M, Nurse F.

Cards: Freshy (Y)

Having witnessed 'Calamity in Kent' no.2 last week, it was time for the THD Flagship to get back to winning ways against a young Wycombe side that seem to be scoring goals for fun. With Big Bird flying south for winter and the Beaver making repairs to his dam, THD welcomed back Kiwi Mike from his Gay cruise with Ash, and the introduction of Ollie 'face of a 12yr old lesbian' Woodgate. Captain White set a week of celibacy to ensure that the flagship were pumped and raring to go. However, rumours circulated on Tuesday, from Team Offensive Chat, that Corporal Mahan had moved on from the bushes and now had the other half under his desk at work oozing!!

After a brief awkward silence, Nick 'tweets everything' Warner went MIA, only for a series of Tweets updated us that he was indeed unleashing hell in the home changing room. Everyone seemed in high spirits in anticipation of what could be a high scoring affair. The pre-match warm up from Captain 'no sex' was to hit the ground running and take the game to Wycombe.

THD didn't listen and found themselves 3-0 down after 15 minutes with tackles diving in and players being left unmarked. We managed to make it to half time without any more damage to the score line. As the second half began, an early short corner was awarded to the home side and with the General calling a chucklevision, a Wycombe defender chopped at Gaz's stick and THD were awarded a penalty flick. Up stepped the ever-reliant White, with THD knowing this was the lifeline that was needed. Flick to the left only to see the keeper palm the ball away. Still 3-0 down!

The next 10 minutes saw Wycombe reduced to 9 men and THD finally had their break through. Good play down the left found Vink unmarked in the D to slide the ball to his partner in crime Huntley to flick the ball into an open net. Game on. The General then found Huntley in the D and watched the latter slot past the keeper and THD were firmly back in this game. 3-2.

A period of constant pressure from THD allowed Wycombe to break on the counter and win a short corner. With piglet changing the call to a 2-2, Hobbs apparently tried to dribble the ball out of the D only to find the ball deflect off his stick to the injector, who passed across the goal to an unmarked striker on the back post to tap home. Good marking!!

Another Wycombe attack led to another Short Corner. The flick was saved on the line by White's shoulder and a penalty flick was awarded, even under the protests of White (no question about it really - was definitely a flick). Unlike White, Wycombe scored their flick and 5-2 then became 6-2.

With time running out Vink (back from his illness last weekend) slotted past the keeper and with the last hit of the game the 12yr old lesbian smashed past the keeper for a final score of Wycombe 6 - THD 4.

Saturday night was the annual THD Fancy Dress Night where Ollie's excitement at the matchbox game was clear to see, however he was unable to keep this 'up' as the night rolled on. Costumes included urine samples, Olympic Rings, drug testers and Steve Rhodes, who basically had a wardrobe malfunction. The ladies were paying particular attention to the Morph suits and there was even room for a bit of filming from the BBC. Warner won a romantic meal at Pizza Express from the raffle and Ollie spent 800 on a ski lodge, which, due to a certain record, is unable to attend. There was even time for Jean Pierre Rhodes to be found 'poking' about in Adventure.

Pigden W, Hobbs M, Warner N, Needham G, Hill A, Hann M, Rhodes C, White M (C), Huntley J, Vink A, Woodgate O, Richardson M, Nurse F.

This is a story of the recent successful past, which calls upon the distant past at its beginning and end for justification of the progress that the team has made in the intermediate past. In the Twitter era, there still remains a carefully crafted niche for pen, ink and carrier pigeon and face-to-face conversation. Sadly a certain element of the THD Flagship find it impossible to converse other than via their portable telephones (and yes, you can even speak to people on them) and the portal known as Twitter.

With the Tweets having been silenced by the three grumpy old men (Messrs. Pigden, Huntley and Hann) who hold dear the memories of a pre-match changing room when upside-down 'tache wearing Hoggs would have been administered a beating for the ginger slug on his chin, the air was filled with sniggering from the same grumpy old men when Captain Hindsight began his team chat, once again, living in the past. The three immortal letters "T-F-C" flew around the changing room in whispered delight; bar an on-field calamity of monstrous proportions voting had been sewn up and the fines written.

Onto the field sailed the Flagship, eager to see 3 points credited once again in the quest for promotion. However, all was not plane sailing to begin the latest battle. Grumpy old man number 2, the usual Mr. Dependable, contrived to miss, what would usually be classed as, 3 Royal Sealed Chances in the first five minutes. Could this have been the opportunity that Captain Hindsight was looking for to escape liability? Only time would tell.

A slightly ponderous start at the back was attributed to the network overload that South-East London was suffering, with Tweets being delayed, radars faltering (and not just the slight change to the defensive line-up). After a calming word from Captain Hindsight reminding everyone that we had experienced this before and that we had nothing to worry about, order was restored and the gently rocking Flagship was righted.

The man with the great name scored a great goal from 3 yards, following a spell of protracted possession by THD, smashing a reverse into the roof to give the assembled crowd something to cheer. This was then followed by another sublime move originating from a pick on the Flagship's D by the fastest man over 160 characters, Nick Warner to put an end to a passage of play where Purley were looking threatening and THD's defence stood resolute. The move was given life following an absolutely sublime run by Captain Hindsight and finished off by Movember (really, you can't really see anything) Mike with a strike from the top of the opposition D. He clearly took notes from your author. 2-0 to the Flagship.

Grumpy old man number 2 then continued his goal run with sweetly mis-hit shot to finish off yet another period of THD pressure.

In the second half, the series of Purley short corners finally told with a deflection to which the barely troubled grumpy old man 1 could not reach. 3-1. THD immediately struck back with another incisive flowing move by Captain Hindsight and Jean Paul Gaultier Rhodes, sweeping Purley defence aside (surprisingly) finished off with some skill by the V-C. Never fear. In all things there is a balance, and balance was indeed restored, and all too swiftly. The culmination of a similarly worked move, Cpt Hindsight having learned how to pass the ball (much to the shock of the V-C) gifted your author a goal with only a defender rushing across its face to beat. The defender was easily beaten by a shot sent shooting past the outside post towards the bushes where some believed his thoughts were headed. A let-off for Purley and for Captain Hindsight, with proof that the present is more powerful than the past, both as an indicator of levels of performance and in informing peoples' voting decisions.

With a final goal from the man with the great name from the only Flagship corner of the game, slotting in from a yard (aggregate goal yardage being a whopping 4 form Mr. Vink), the result was sealed at 5-1. By no means a polished performance, but one that showed continued progress.

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Hill A, Richardson M, White M (C), Nurse F, Vink A, Peerless E, Rhodes C, Warner N, Hann, M

Saturday November 5^th was grey morning. Grey not only in terms of the weather, but also in terms of the fact I woke up realising my white THD kit was still in the washing machine. Time for action - the radiators have never been up so high. But enough about me, it was also game-day.

For some, the day started with beautifully crafted egg and bacon muffin at Papa Nick's Tea Room, allowing Mark Hobbit to enlighten us with memories of childhood summer mornings eating sloppy egg sandwiches in the Shire. Panic set in as a certain Ali Hill failed to arrive, only to come with tales of morning debauchery, and no further questions were asked.

Unusually for an away game, we travelled there underground, rattling up through North London, passing an unruly and somewhat homoerotic Hogg's Hollow tube stop on the way. We arrived in Brent Cross with some bemusement...had we travelled too far? Had we gone to the holy land instead? Ash Neale was just as confused as he sat outside the tube, trimming his shin pads, pining for Mike through the misty morning haze. The only man who felt comfort in this time of sheer bewilderment was Gareth never without a hat Needham, who found a mysterious connection with this [un]orthodox land.

The long walk to the pitch allowed our minds to focus as we got nearer to push back. There was reason to despair somewhat, as two THD stars were sadly missing. Jamie Orville Longstreet was away having another bird ruffle his feathers, while James Bino Huntley, fresh out of Vicar training, was away completing post-course fieldwork on all things Holy. There were also suspicious injuries afoot...with roommates Martyn White, Mark Hobbs and even squatter Gareth Needham all having interesting leg injuries. Perhaps the team is bonding a little too much so early on in the season. The squad was still strong however, and confidence was high. This confidence was soon overtaken by fear upon seeing where we were to empty our bowels. It is safe to say that at least one of the troops has unknowingly caught Herpes. And so to the pitch...

The game started in the usual way, a push back from the centre spot, and despite repeated calls from Captain Martyn White, THD started to play the league position, not the team. As such, West Hampstead started doing what they do best and put THD under pressure all over the field. This stumped the away team's back line whose motto is Defence is our name, distribution our game and soon the pressure took its toll. Mark Smash and Grab Hobbs produced a crunching tackle akin to those usually found at the end of Gazz Recovery Tackle Needham's stick, sending him inconsolably off to the naughty corner for a 5 minute break. A short corner to West Hampstead saw them take an early lead. THD soon drew level however; the goal was spectacular from a Kiwi in flight, as Mike Richardson expertly deflected the ball into the top corner. Half time: West Hampstead 1-1 THD.

The second half saw THD restored to a rare 11 men and the contest continued. THD pressure showed as another wonder goal from Felix Flower gnawed its way through the back board. This, however, is where THD started to stutter. An untimely collision between centre back Warner and West Hampstead playmaker known only as Number 23 lead to the second THD yellow card of the game. Down to 10 men again, the force from Hampstead grew and a defence splitting pass and a short corner put them 3-2 up. With the injured talisman Martyn Sian White making a shock 50^th minute appearance, THD tried to gather momentum, but alas, another Hampstead goal and a last minute beaver goal, left the final score at 4-3.

Angry, dejected, distraught. 3 words that summed up the following 30 minutes as the iconic THD men and little Rodeo tried to contemplate what had happened. The situation wasn't helped by those remaining having to wait over 45 minutes for a bus to arrive, despite Warner's best efforts on the TFL hotline (0843 222 1234). A good 7 hours later, the band of troops entered the clubhouse, entertained on the way by an unknown child tennis sensation and his pimping wheels. Sloppy curry, bananas, quorn, rice and THD MOM (Gaz Needham) and TFC (Nick Warner) honours followed, before returning back to the south. Not before noting that Jamie Longstreet had not paid his fines....ever. He now owes 4.50 and if it were down to Ali no prisoners Hill, it would be a fiver. At the request of the captain, you have been warned.

The atmosphere in the team had severely improved by this point as thoughts of fireworks, beer and women filled the minds of young and old alike. Christopher Rhodes was particularly excited at the thought of seeing a sparkler. Cries of I just love sparklers filled the evening air as we boarded the Jubilee line home. After an unbelievably fast turnaround from all parties involved, we found ourselves at the gates to sheer pleasure. Battersea Park. Some say Matt Hann was in there somewhere. Most likely....in the bushes. What followed was the greatest value-for-money evening in London's history. 10 for 20 minutes of fireworks and endless queuing. Despite incredible efforts from Chris Rhodes to get us into a prime viewing spot, the general consensus was one of slight disappointment. Especially for one Martyn White, who spent most of the evening like a lost puppy in search of his soul mate, yelping She's only little, she'll get lost.

And so ended the day. One that started with such promise and hope, and ended with such disappointment and sorrow. But we are a team. A team of brothers, comrades and Mark Hobbs. We shall battle on into December, with Purley in our crosshair in a week's time, and the coveted league title in our grasp come the new year.

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Needham G, Hill A, Richardson M, White M (C), Flower F, Nurse F, Ruddiman J, Vink A,

Saturday 29^th October was a significant date in the THD calendar for a number of reasons. After lengthy speculation Martyn White announced his pregnancy, Chris Rhodes was awarded with a Fellowship of the Parisian Art Foundation and Bino, after four gruelling years, completed his course of training and became a Vicar. However, most significantly it signalled a return to winning ways for the men's 1^st XI after two hard fought draws in previous weeks.

Having just played two of the stronger teams in the league, the home side were keen to try and avoid complacency going in to this game against an Epsom side currently at the other end of the table and only able to put 7 past Slough. Despite the calls from captain and coach not to underestimate the opposition, THD started the slower with Epsom having much of the early possession. Were it not for a few timely tackles and commanding saves from a slightly re-jigged back 5, including Jamie Longstreet, fresh from his 'Kalamity in Kent', the hosts may well have found themselves behind. Having weathered the early storm however, THD began to ease themselves into the game, looking particularly threatening down the right with strong link-up play between The General and the solitary Kiwi, Mikey (with Ash away in Egypt on a camel trekking holiday).

Despite being nowhere near their best in the opening exchanges, the home side managed to take the lead with 15 minutes gone. With another THD counter attack looking set to fizzle out, the ball fell to the stick of Mark 'General' Hobbs on the opposition 25. After skinning two bewildered Epsom defenders, Hobbs, to his and everyone else's surprise, found himself in the unchartered waters of the opponents D. Having run out of skill, Hobbs appeared to lose out to the Epsom centre back, only to swing a reverse stick at the ball and send it trickling towards the near post. The Epsom 'keeper, clearly distracted by a display of Matt Hann passion on the adjacent street, could only watch as THD went 1-0 up.

The confidence generated by an early lead seemed to settle the hosts into a more comfortable pattern of play. However, some fragile defending and careless marking led to an equaliser barely 5 minutes after the opening goal and the pre-match fears of complacency appeared not to be unfounded. With 25 minutes gone, neither side had taken hold of the game as wasteful attacking and sloppy defending plagued both teams. Despite this, THD found themselves with the lead again running up to the break, following their first short-corner of the game. After the first phase broke down, the ball fell to Ali Hill 5 yards out to slot home a composed finish into the bottom corner. 2-1 THD. Once again however, hopes of a goal fest were dashed on the stroke of half-time by an Epsom crash ball which slipped through the net and into the path of the visitors centre forward, leaving Piggy in the THD goal with no chance. A disappointed home side went into the break at 2-2.

With a strong talking to issued by Justin, and a prayer from Bino, the home side began the second half with renewed confidence and desire. Although this resulted in a far improved performance, disciplinary issues began to affect the home side's play. Gaz Needham, no stranger to the far corner of the Dulwich College astro, was the first to pick up a yellow for a number of poorly aimed lances at visiting attackers. Nevertheless, THD continued to dominate, with Martyn White beginning to show his class on the ball and Chris Rhodes controlling the midfield, and it came as no surprise when White wriggled past 4 defenders to slip the ball to The Vicar at the back post to finish coolly from an acute angle. 3-2 THD.

By this point, the hosts were on top all over the park with the defence looking to have sured up and the attack, with the additions of Jamie Black and James Ruddiman, looking to have overcome the communication problems of the first half. However, not wanting to make it easy for themselves or the capacity crowd, THD once again fell foul to the umpire's top pocket. This time it was Felix Flower heading to the bin, his offence? A perfectly timed challenge on the side-line....

As the game rumbled into the final quarter, the one goal lead began to look slightly flimsy and this began to unsettle the home-side with the errors of the first half returning. Gaz Needham, in an apparent bid to openly mock the Epsom attack, proceeded to give away short-corner after short-corner, only then to repeatedly pluck the ball from the opposition stoppers stick. A 10 minute spell of constant pressure was expertly defended by a PCD team galvanised by Needham's tenacity and a string of commanding saves from Piggy. With 15 minutes to go, THD began to shake themselves back to life, with White once again the driving force in attack. One more disciplinary incident from debutant Jamie Black, which saw him heading towards the seat already warmed by Needham and Flower, failed to put the hosts off their stride and with 5 minutes to go more mesmerising skill from the skipper saw him claim a well deserved goal, only marred by a goal celebration that can only go down as a monumental social faux-pas. The fourth goal put the result out of question and capped off a performance that was by no means a classic, but places THD in 3^rd place and only 2 points off the league lead.

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Hill A, Richardson M, White M (C), Huntley J, Flower F, Nurse F, Black J, Ruddiman J

Cards: Flower (Y), Black (Y), Needham (Y)

EH Men's Trophy

With the sun shining and the Kiwi Twins Ish and Mike beaming from ear to ear after their country's narrow victory, it was time for THD to kick off another cup run which would hopefully end with us going one better than last year and being crowned Champions.

A quick game of hockey cricket kicked things off, with some sublime shots from Steven Rhodes and Gareth Needbum. However the Pig wore a Freshy full toss on the totters first ball, which all but ended that game. The warm up was disjointed, probably due to the the fact that PTI Matt Hann had gone MIA, apparently still ironing his boxer shorts, but the team were able to get thier game heads on after Fash promised to do the haka if we won the game.

THD were struggling to find any rhythm and soon found themselves 1-0 down after a break from the Worthing attack allowed their centre forward, un marked, to slot past the helpless Pig. THD needed a quick reply and with Night Nurse and Mike finding lots of room of down the flanks, the Worthing keeper was soon called into action to save firstly from James 'The Priest' Huntley and then again from Steve and Timmy Schlongvester. A quick free hit from the ever observant Martyn White found Steve top D to coolly slot past the keeper for a deserved equaliser. Half Time 1-1.

THD were continuing to ask questions and with WarnDog, Chopper and Gareth Need'copius amounts of'bum dealing with the aerial threat of Worthing so easily, it was only a matter of time before THD would score again. A Worthing short corner was dealt with and a quick 16 from The General started a flowing counter attack involving Kiwi Mike and White who found Nurse in acres of space to cross for The Priest to tap into any empty net.

With White controlling the middle of park under the watchful eye of his new bird, THD soon found themselves carving open the Worthing defence. Nurse played a peach of a ball across the goal only to realise that the would be recipient Ash who was stuck on the 25 trying to rearrange his camel toe. The rotating forward line of Schlongvester, Rhodes, Vink and Huntley was proving too much for the Worthing defence. An arching run from Vink was pociked out with precision from White and as Vink was lining up a shot, a chop from a defender was rewarded with a Penalty Flick.

Mark 'The General' Hobbs looked at his skipper with Puppy Dog eyes for a chance to prove himselft from the spot. White took into consideration his parents were watching and he needed to step out of his 'just a little fat boy shadow' and thus was given the honours. He subsequently powered past the Worthing keeper for his first goal in THD colours, the speed and velocity of the flick gave the keeper no chance. THD soon found themselves at 4-1 as Felix Nurse again found The Priest back post to slot home for his second and 4th for the weekend. Up the other end WarnDog was getting confused as to how to tackle and conceding a few short corners, only for the pig to fling himself full stretch and deny a certain goal. Luckily Chopper kept his axe at bay and Needbum managed stayed on his leash as THD finished worthy 4-1 winners.

by Mark Knobbs

Pig, Chopper, WarnDog, Needbum, The General (aka idiot), Mike Eh, Freshy, Night Nurse, Ish, The Priest, Vinky, Rhodes, Sylvester.

Cards: Warner (G), Needbum (G)

It was a beautiful autumn's day when THD made their way to deepest Kent with victory on their mind. Team Offensive Chat were set back as Felix Flower managed to get Wandsworth Common and Balham Sainsbury's carpark confused, a common error. Undeterred THD met with their game faces on ready to replicate their earlier pre-season victory against the same side.

Ash set the tone as he appeared with his mountain climbing kit on complete with maps, ropes, helmet and compass, he professed that it was a metaphor; his intention to climb mountains for the side or something, although this clearly got lost in translation (luckily there were no camel sightings this week).

Matt Hann took a furious warm up whilst skipper White rallied the troops seeking discipline, structure and concentration on the pitch. Once the two umpires (who were being assessed) blew the whistle, THD sought control of the game. Ashford were the livelier of the two teams initially, although it was THD who struck first. White pulled out some unbelievable tekkers rounding four players with consummate ease, and then firing the ball across on his reverse before the lightening quick Albino reached sublimely for the ball knocking it in the net. First blood THD, but this was only the beginning.

Ashford replied quickly with some anti-skill, which fooled the THD backline; the Ashford striker found himself through on goal that not even our Sus curly goalkeeper could stop, 1-1. Game on. For our second goal White picked up the ball on the halfway line beating a defender or two before walking the ball into Ashford's net. We were on top, for a bit. Ashford wasted no time in replying. It wasn't a good goal. At half time I think the two sides were level with two goals each.

Now it must be said that the game had intensified a fair bit by this point. One umpire (I use the term umpire lightly) was not having the best of days. This aforementioned official had the incredible ability to see 'fouls' and then justify these 'decisions'. THD were facing an uphill battle. Gaz Needham saw yellow for a samurai kick (stick tackle) and left the pitch in tears. He was inconsolable after the game, having cost us the full 3 points and potentially ruining Christmas and the entire season. This only ignited the already partisan crowd as they yearned for THD blood. Somewhat inevitably Ashford with all the momentum and the extra player scored another goal, an undercut from a short-corner. Apparently the slip right was Ashford's first shot and therefore the elevated hit was legal. THD cried out in despair, surely this should have been ruled out? Alas, no, the umpire saw the goal and liked it. 3-2 down circa ten minutes left.

With nine men and one lost bird on the THD side against a now pumped up Ashford team, things could have got worse for London's friendliest club. Warner held the backline with maturity whilst Mark 'Saxobeatthegeneral' Hobbs cleared the THD lines with 90-yard aerials, THD were hanging on. Even during this commotion Matt Hann found time to wonder off the pitch to send a quick text to his lady lover organising a chicken Korma at his flat after the game. Things were going badly. Mike also seemed distracted; apparently he was thinking about how he could help his best friend and co Kiwi Ash fit into his shin pads for next week's game.

Despite these seemingly impossible situations skipper White kept heart and faith. He was still full of running and determined to get something from this game. White picked the ball up dribbled around seven Ashford players and three of his team mates before slipping the ball across the face of the goal to the ever-present 'Bino for the simplest of tap ins. 3-3, pandemonium ensued

The 'umpires' sent off two Ashford players for GBH, and suddenly it was THD who stole the momentum. The bellicose Kent crowd were silenced for the first time in the game. Unfortunately for the away side time had run out. The game ended three apiece. After the game, safely back in the capital Felix Flower wearing his favourite lifejacket was last seen jumping over Tower Bridge furiously crafting a dam in the murky waters. Apparently a beaver's work is never done. Hopefully he'll be dry and rested for Epsom at home next weekend. THD remain undefeated this season, long may this continue.

by Jamie 'big bird' Longstreet

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Warner N, Hill A, Hann M, Richardson M, White M (C), Huntley J, Flower F, Nurse F, Neale A, kaznowski E

Cards: Needham (Y)

(delayed; 4 teeth clean out, 3 hours to wait, 2 ambulances and 1 Piggy to take the mantel in the mighty 2's net)

The game that would separate the men from the boys swooped to fortress Dulwich for the top of the table clash. With a full squad at the disposal of Tulse Hill, the game started at a frantic pace with Hawks taking the first challenge to Tulse Hill's defence but with the wall of steel and with Piggy having already got his eye in from the previous game, Hawks couldn't achieve anymore than to keep flirting with the back line in their attacks. However, they eventually managed to break through with a reverse stick shot; 0-1. This lead didn't last long, Tulse Hill went on the offence, the ball neatly played through to Freshy who started a wobble around the halfway line that some how ended up to everyone's amazement in the opposition's circle before unleashing what could only be classed as a possible goal of the season, fooling the keeper for the shot to drift effortless towards an open net.

With the 1-1 score line, the home side looked more composed with Rodeo the rock holding fort on the middle of the battlefield. The game was heating up between the teams and officals with Freshy getting on the wrong side of the umpire and sentenced to 5 minutes in the shade. With the high paced game now really swelling up and down the field in the basking heat, Tulse Hill broke the line to "upgrade" to win a shortie with Matt "Rehydration" Hann launching a well executed move into the side netting. In a flash of bizarre occurrences the score was 2-1 at half time.

Justin used the break to instil some wise pillars of wisdom before the fight was back on. The game continuing to heat up with some appalling umpiring decisions, not least of which was Hawk's second goal, deflected off a foot continuing forward hitting the post and falling into the path of a swooping Hawk to snip the goal to level the scores 2-2. If any further determination was needed for the home side, it was surely this disgraceful display of poor eyesight. The next to net was the fired up Tulse Hill & Dulwich after some superb build-up play showing composure around the field, Felix "the beaver" flower getting on the end of a ball to gnaw it through the back board, 3-2 game on! This lead unfortunately didn't last long with Hawks netting another to level the scores once again at 3-3. Soon followed was yet another shocking decision by the umpire to go postal with his cards and allow Ali to top up his tan.

The final whistle blew ending the match 3-3 with strong words exchanged between both teams and officials. The next Tulse Hill & Dulwich warrior battle will take place in Kent at Ashford.

Next Match: Ashford (Kent) - 2.30pm pushback Ashford.

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Warner N, Hill A, Hann M, Rhodes C, Richardson M, White M (C), Huntley J, Flower F, Nurse F, Neale A, kaznowski E

Cards: White (Y), Needham (G)

Contrary to the extremely witty title for this report, it was a good news day for Tulse Hill and Dulwich 1^stXI, although slightly marred by the trip to hospital for debutant Huw Proctor, with a broken finger. However, the power of love is a curious thing and while it can make one man weep, it can make the rest of his team sing!

THD arrived with the wind in their sales following last week's 9 goal demolition ofSlough. However, the team knew that Lewes would offer a greater challenge, having found them tough opponents last season.Despite being aware of some of the threats Lewes would pose, THD were not quite prepared for anaerial bombardment reminiscent of the WW2 blitz. As the Lewes back line relentlessly launched full field aerials, the THD defence didn't know whether to get out their anti-aircraft guns or take cover. This inevitable confusion led to Lewes winning an early short corner, which was excellently converted, putting THD on the back foot after 5 minutes.

Subsequently, Nick Warner (a Durham Uni sore thumb) received a nasty cut to the head as he dived to deny his opponent the ball. With Warner requiring treatment, THD were forced to make some early changes to the back line and Lewes sensed blood. However, Matt Hann was the epitome of desire as he kept a wayward pass in play, which seemed to spark THD into life. The exciting forward line of Proctor, Huntley, White and Flower began to find their grove and it wasn't long before the latter pair linked up, and White brought THD level. With Warner returning to the ranks looking like he had just played Russian roulette in a Vietnam POW camp, Jamie 'emu' Longstreet ruling the roost at the back and Christophe 'Jean Jacques' Rhodez holding middle earth, THD began to dominate possession and the beautiful 'White Flower' partnership was able to blossom again, this time Flower finishing from an acute angle.

The crowd began to get behind the home side as they played a fast & expansive brand of hockey and Captain White added his second, finishing neatly with his reverse stick, making the score 3-1. However, Lewes remained buoyant and on the stroke of halftime won another short corner, which they again tucked away.

The second half saw a cagey start from both teams, assumingly trying to calm down the earlier franticness. The first chance fell to THD as Flower finished into an empty goal following a scramble, only for the umpire to rule it out for being outside the 'D'. Lewes tried to mount attacks but the THD backline were superb as they denied any goal opportunities and distributed well. Gareth Needham then provided a moment of magic as he marauded forward from left back, ghosting past 2 Lewes defenders and playing in Matt Hann, who smashed his shot across the goalie into the side netting, 4-2. With THD thinking they had given themselves some breathing room, Lewes once again showed their quality, winning and converting a 3^rdshort corner! With the game once again tight, frustrations grew and both teams lossed players to yellow cards.As Lewes came forward in search of an equaliser, the THD coach Justin King, could be heard shouting 'can somebody please put a leash on Gaz', as he became concerned about the overly attacking mindset (and Gaz's dog-like looks) still on display by his team, with the clock ticking down and only one goal separating the score line. However, Lewes then went to down to 9 men and THD broke again through Mike 'it's good eh' Richardson, who delivered the ball into the 'D' for Ash 'it's not bad eh' Neale to deflect pass the Lewes keeper and settle the nerves for the last 2 minutes. Final score 5-3.

You don't need money, don't take fame, don't take no credit card to ride this THD train!

A post match interview with Huw 'ghetto' Proctor revealed that he had had a Brash day at the office and even though Felix 'Nasher' Flower suggested he could gnaw him a splint, Proctor decided it was better he went to hospital.

by Martyn 'wordsworth' White
Next Match:Oxford Hawkes - 2pm pushback @ Dulwich College

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Warner N, Hann M, Rhodes C, Richardson M, White M (C), Huntley J, Flower F, Nurse F, Neale A, Proctor H,

Cards: Richardson (Y), Hobbs (Y), Needham (G).

It was a cracking day to start the season with - sun, singlets and goals. And despite an apparent lack of fashion sense by Kiwi Mike, Tulse Hill & Dulwich were lacking anything but style as they cruised to their first win of the season.

THD realised early on that Slough, who had just been promoted into the division, were not quite showing the form that got them through the promotion play off's last season. Despite an early struggle to convert numerous chances created, THD looked much the more dangerous side.

After 15 minutes on the clock, THD eventually settled the early season nerves with the latest Cardiff Uni import, Gareth Needham, converting a short corner through a well rehearsed routine. This gave the boys the confidence they needed and THD quickly settled into the game moving the ball around to well for Slough to cope with and Longstreet, Flower and Needham for a second time, were able to take THD into halftime 4 nil up.

Some tasteful tactics from manager Hale and words of encouragement from skipper White, ensured THD did not lose focus and went into the 2^nd half with the determination to score more. THD controlled the game throughout, rarely being troubled by the opposition and with the 15 man strong squad of relentlessly substituting like an Ice hockey team, Slough could not maintain the pace of the game. THD looked to move forward with every move and five more unanswered goals from Ash Neale, Mike Richardson, Joe Bennett and James Huntley with a brace, caused the Slough players to cast dejected figures as the game drew to a close.

At the end of the game the usually morose THD Goalie Will Pigden even cracked open a smile, which really did sum up the vibe this THD team, is setting down for the season.

Pigden M, Hobbs M, Longstreet J, Needham G, Warner N, Hill A, Hann M, Rhodes C, Richardson M, White M (C), Huntley J, Flower F, Nurse F, Bennett J, Neale A,

Manager: Hale T.