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Newsletter 2006/07
Since 2003/04 the club has produced weekly match reports. From the start of the 2005/06 season this became a weekly newsletter, distributed during the season, containing match reports from each of the games played that weekend as well as other key information and a selection of adverts and offers.
Sat 17-Mar-07Issue 23
Controversy wasn't just on the hockey pitch with several instances of crucial flicks denied to THD teams, it was also a week that saw the mainstay of our collective childhood nostalgia smashed in another scandalous revelation, first drugs and womanising, now Blue Peter's competition format is outed as a cheating sham. This has led to a host of revelations exposing a wealth of mendacious behaviour by the apparently angelic presenters, the original Petra died after 2 days after her debut on the show and was hastily replaced - is nothing sacred? Elsewhere the Caribbean was the place to be (grrrr, especially for ex-editors of the Tribune - hope a precedent is being set...), with the start of the cricket island-hopping extravaganza.
Like many of the Tribune writers this week, I have diverted from the reason for being here, which is reporting hockey. Other than the few notable mentions - the Diamonds and Men's 1s defying relegation, the Tornados securing a place in the play-offs and the Women's 1s keeping the double dream alive (I hear Hull is lovely at this time of year) - end-of-season-itis is spreading throughout the rest of the club.
Let's hope some St Patrick's Day (brought to you courtesy of Guinness) luck will bring more verve and vim this weekend. Good luck in particular to the Dragons on their cross-country jaunt to take on the best that the Fens can muster.
Reports by: Richard Banwell, Chris Coleman, John Holmes, Mark Jones, Billy Dowie, Doug Heard, EJ Barry, Kate Selway, Lucy Gaskin, Claire Whitehead, Faith Geraghty, Gigi Ho.
Men's 1s vs. Barnes: Won 11-1
The sublime to the ridiculous. In a game which anything other than a convincing win would have been a disaster we managed to let them score first, Holmes deciding that his far post was far more interesting than that on his nearside. One unconfirmed report suggested that the far post was wearing a blond wig but who can say. Thereafter, THD began to exert some control over the game, although still having to deal with useful Barnes attacks supported through their midfield. Nurse converted two penalty corners in quick succession and finally we began to relax. Goals followed from Balchin, Casement, Huntley and Nurse again in that order. The only one I can remember is 'the Fez', driving strong out of the left channel across top 'D' to nail one to the left of the keeper with some power. Love those Guns, Dave x.
Barnes attempted to fight back in the early second half with one or two close chances, but ultimately goals began to come easily for THD; further contributions from Casement, Heath, Huntley, Heath and Huntley again, made up the scoreline. Huntley, displaying the usual measure of touch and composure, turned neatly in front of the 'keeper and then deftly lobed the ball into the net to score his first hat-trick for the 1s. Congratulations 'Bino'. Late on, after a rare Barnes attacking penalty corner broke down, Banwell (having sprinted back from halfway to defend) demonstrated genuine power to reach the opposing 'D' in support of Heath who had sprung the breakaway. Unconfirmed reports from the sideline indicated that the acceleration shown by Banwell was nothing short of 'impressive'. Heath of course duly slotted his second without passing, much to the ongoing amusement of THD 1's. Well done Rob (I hate you and may get you deported).
Finally, congratulations go to Ferron and Ireson on the arrival of their first born. If any other members of the squad have had babies please let us know as we are struggling to keep track (RB).
Team: Holmes D, Boucher G, Ferron L, Weir G, Banwell R, Ireson J, Nurse W, Brown A, Balchin A, Huntley J, Heath R, Casement D
Scorers: Balchin, Casement (2), Heath (2), Nurse (3), Huntley (3)
MOTM: Huntley (Classy and Composed)
TFC: Banwell (shower products - totally harsh)
Next game: Saturday 17th March v Maidstone, Away
Men's 2s vs. Surbiton 3s: Lost 7-1
Now this is a lesson in life and love for all of you. William H Pigden spends time with a young lady from Streatham then spends the rest of the week in bed with “flu”. Flu indeed young William. He also managed to miss one of the best lessons in clinical finishing you are ever likely to see. Unfortunately it was all from them! With a team almost unrecognisable from our previous fixture, Surbiton arrive on a winning streak and perched at the top of our league. Despite having as much possession and, probably, as many chances their territorial dominance and class in the D told in the end.
Anyway enough about hockey! On to life's questions that everyone really wants to know the answers to…..
Do penguins have knees? Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale? If a bloke shaves his neck but leaves the rest of his face as stubble should he be killed? If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking? If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap? Will young William get rid of whatever it was he got in time for the centenary dinner?
WHO KNOWS?!
Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Chris does Questions. (CC)
Team: Coleman, Ferg, Nurse, Mike K, Jacob, Paul H, Potty, Tom M, Tim (Thanks mate), Jack D, Bungle
Umpire: Mark Jones and Si Riley
Scorers: Potty
Next (and Final!) match: Saturday 17th March vs. St. Albans 2s (Away)
Men's 3s vs. Spencer 4s: Lost 1-0
What can I say - except we was robbed or did we slip up on a banana skin for we were playing Mitcham Vale High School on Acacia Road (which is where Bananaman lives).
Well enough of that nonsense. We weren't expecting great things on Saturday, it was late (16:30 Start), we were playing the side second in the league and there were only 5 regular members of the third XI in the side. However perhaps because of these reasons we were brilliant and we played some champagne hockey. After soaking up some early pressure we went on the offensive which resulted in the ball crashing into their backboard only for it to be cruelly disallowed - some technicality about it being lifted (about an inch of the ground) into the D off a free hit.
So at half time it was 0-0 and we went into the second half with the thoughts of victory on our minds. But it wasn't to be as we were soon 0-1 down - some technicality about the ball hitting one our players on the line being a flick.
We continued to push and although we had more of the ball in the second half we just couldn't get the bloody thing in the back of the net. C'est la vie as they say and despite the loss I think most of us really enjoyed it. Thanks to all of those that helped out and to Billy for umpiring. You'll all be pleased to know Wes has offered to buy you a pint as his way of saying thanks. Good luck to those of you playing this weekend! (JH)
Team: Jez, Robbie, Kieron, Tobie, John, Joe. Adam, Tim, Tom, Simon, Nick
Umpire: Billie
Next game: 17th Home v's Chiswick
Tornados vs. Richmond Stags: Won 1-0
I could tell you how we won the match but instead let me tell you about the modern sandwich... it is certainly named after Lord Sandwich. Contemporary accounts refer to the sandwich often with a capital 'S' and date the invention to c. 1762.
However the exact circumstances of the invention are still the subject of debate. A rumour in a contemporary travel book by Grosley formed the popular myth that bread and meat sustained Lord Sandwich at the gambling table. The sober alternative is provided by Sandwich's biographer, N.A.M. Rodger, who suggests Sandwich's commitments to the navy, to politics and the arts mean the first Sandwich was more likely to have been consumed at his desk.
It is also possible that Sandwich's Grisons Republic born brother-in-law, Jerome de Salis taught him of the ways of dried meat and bread. (MJ)
Team: Tim Sylvester (GK), MJ, Tom Mottram, Will Lucas, Jon Kirby, Charlie Krasun, James Perrott, Si Riley, Si Wilshire, Tom Alexander, Loz Mockery & Alex Fishwick.
Scorer(s): James Perrott
Umpire: Chris Coleman.
Next Game: Saturday 17 March vs. PHC Chiswick Men's 3s (away)
Diamonds vs. Spencer 5s: Lost 1-3
This was a disappointing loss against the team in second place in the League and needing a point to secure promotion. We held our shape well in the first half, matching them evenly and going in 0-0 at half-time. The clinching factor was finally their umpire's insistence on awarding fouls against us every time their forwards ran into a defender, something they played on with dramatic effect. Having gone a goal down, we then pushed up just a bit too far in our quest for an equaliser and let them in twice more. Andrew reduced the deficit after a nice one-two with Adam, who was rewarded this week with the news that his face will replace Elgar's on the nation's new £20 notes - perhaps a bit over the top for an assist with the Diamonds.
In the end, they were stronger and sharper than us up front, and we didn't create enough chances of our own until late in the game. But, overall, we have improved throughout the season, and know we can live at this level... which, we now know, we will have the opportunity to do again next season.
The loss of this game was more than compensated for by the fact that Indian Gym lost by the same score. This means that for the Diamonds to be relegated, we have to lose our last two games, and IG have to win their last one, making up a goal deficit of 41 in the process. If that happens, then I reckon we've got a fairly tight bribery & corruption case for the courts, so, as far as I am concerned, we're staying up and we can celebrate already. Well done all! (BD)
Team: Paul Reid, Tom Illingworth, Billy Dowie, Gus Barnard, Phil Webb, Andrew McConchie, Viren Walia, Adam Smith, Simon Canter, Oliver Walton, Bob Morris, Irfan Begg, Max Claussen
Scorer: Andrew
Umpire: Jeremy Porter
Next game: Saturday 17th March vs St Albans 5s, 12.00 at Crystal Palace
Royals vs. Chiswick: Lost 1-0
The return of Kim "the Power" Keates couldn't rescue the Royals from another unlucky loss. Next week Reading at home... (DH)
Team: Gav, Matt, Mike, Tom, Andy, Matheu, Doug, Colin, Stephen, Ed, Akash, Chris, Kim
Next game: Saturday 17 March vs. Reading (home)
Women's 1's vs. Buckingham: Won 3-2
As I write this on a Monday morning, having experienced far too many highs and lows than should be allowed during hockey matches, I am totally and utterly broken. My legs hurt, I can hardly sit down due to a sore backside and I have the concentration of a goldfish.
Ahh that is right, goldfish! I had quite forgotten that the entire team had the concentration of a goldfish for the first 15 minutes of the match against the league-underachievers-Buckingham. We waved them through into the circle to take numerous shots, and all I can say is thank goodness Pipes didn't retire 10 years ago like she threatened. But we weathered the storm and scored against the run of play from a penalty corner and suddenly we all remembered what this old game of hockey is all about. With sticks the right way round and oxygen tanks replenished it was a case of 'anything you can do, we can do better' and by mid way through the second half we were all level at 2-2.
It wasn't pretty but we fought our way through to the end of the game and managed to steal the spoils from under their noses in the dying minutes. We remembered how to counter attack and after the initial shot was half-saved by the keeper, the ball was rolling tantalisingly towards the left post. There was a flash of red and green as Lou and Sharon hurtled towards it and there was a clatter of sticks, a swish of the skirts and that lovely sound of a hockey ball hitting a back board and lo and behold we are still in with a shout of promotion and winning the league. (EJB)
Team: Pipes, Alex, Kath, Clare, Hils, B, Nicky, Martha, Gem, Faye, Ej, Sharon & Jen
Player of the match: Pipes
TFC: Banners and Gaz - who turned up so early for their match, they warmed up with us…!
Womens 1's won 3-0 on penalty flicks (0-0 after full time) v Sunbury
As if we needed more evidence of global warming, Sunday was a hot summer's day in Sunbury. The team assembled after the previous day's heroics in various stages of dehydration, which was not totally due to hockey we would have to admit. Sunbury are not a team of much finesse but they are very hard to score goals against. The hot weather, the tiredness from the Buckingham saga, and the sandiness of the pitch gave perfect conditions for a truly dreadful game of hockey.
Lou Morgan was in an absolute strop for most of it, but then centre forwards don't like it when they don't score goals. We would have been 1-0 up at half time if it hadn't been for the miss of the season from the lovely Shazzler. Suffering more than most from the heat (fair skin and over zealous birthday celebrations the night before) she found herself on the penalty spot staring into the abyss of an empty goal, ball on end of stick. She had played a perfect pass into EJ who committed a couple of defenders and then foxed the goal keeper by NOT shooting but passing (passing yes that is right, EJ passing) the ball in behind the keeper to Shaz. With the keeper lying on EJ's feet we will not dwell on what happened next but somehow the ball didn't go in the goal.
The rest of the game was total rubbish and after extra time, which we could have really done without, we found ourselves in the lottery of penalty flicks. Sunbury's flicks were not great and Pipes saved them all and the girls in red and green made no mistake with three well taken goals to earn our place in the semi final. Our reward for all of this mayhem? A Semi Final in Hull. (EJB)
Team: Pipes, Alex, Kath, Clare, Hils, B, Nicky, Martha, Gem, Faye, Ej, Sharon & Jen
Player of the match: Pipes
TFC: Bettina, Riley and Mark Jones - you should have been watching the rugby!
Next Match: Sat 17th March vs. Purley (home: 11.30) St Patrick's Day!
Women's 2s vs. London Edwardians: Lost 1-0
With the team arriving ahead of time and the weather blossoming into early spring, thoughts of our previous gritty and bad tempered encounter with London Edwardians took a back seat, except, perhaps, in the mind of Muldoon who had more reason than most to remember the earlier fixture. But she shrugged aside whatever demons might have remained and put an altogether different stamp on this game: an impressive and assured performance. We were unlucky not to get something more out of this game. It was a very even and hard fought contest from start to finish. We were infinitely better than last week, so although any realistic prospects of promotion have now receded into a nostalgic sunset, there was some comfort to be drawn from the fact that we played some intelligent hockey.
Player of the match votes were widely cast this week, but Jo Walford scooped the prize on her debut, for some very speedy and well timed running up front coupled with some deft stick skills. We felt we should have had a flick at one point when a defender appeared to place her torso between the ball and the goal but their umpire wasn't remotely interested. Dulcie deserves a mention for keeping several out, as do this week's Spine of the Team. This is Gordon's phrase so don't blame me! Apparently he meant Shorty, Lucy May and Biba for providing the geographical backbone. 4 more games to go. Will the vertebrae remain intact? (KS)
Team: Dulcie, Kato, Shorty, Lucy May, Lucy Muldoon, Hannah, Sarah B, Biba, Loggers, Rosie, Emma, Jo Walford
POTM: Jo Walford
Umpire: Lou Campbell
Next match: Saturday 17 March v. Wimbledon 2A (home: 11.00)
Women's 3s vs. Wanderers 2's: Lost 3-0
It all started off as a rather jolly outing as half of the team chomped on Mr Whippy ice creams in the sunshine. Our warm up was of the highest standard, sending all of the right messages to the opposition, as Beth led the stretches in Battersea Park band stand (got a few laughs from onlookers!). However when it came down to the actual game it took us a while to get going, we were pretty sluggish and before we knew it we were two soft goals down feeling pretty demoralised.
After a motivational half time team talk from Lou (btw where were the H-T oranges Emma?!) we eventually got going and did start passing the ball to our own players! Despite going down a further goal there were some excellent passages of play and we missed a couple of chances up front including a one on one with the goalkeeper (how did we not finish it!!?). The score line doesn't reflect how we played in the second half but that just about sums up our season - we just can't score enough (any) goals! (LG)
Team: Rachel Biggs, Sophie Carter, Lou Curry, George Hills, Beth Little, Lucy Gaskin, Rosie Le Voir, Mo O'Brien, Emma Parker, Olivia Salau, Stacey Sellman, Helen Shackleton, Jen Watson
POTM: Sophie
Umpire: Mark Jones
Next game: Thames Valley 1st 13.30 at Dulwich College
Women's 4s vs. Purley Walcountians: Drew 1-1
We were eager
to play and warmed up our buttocks ready for some fast-paced action!
The first ten minutes started well and we looked as though we were
carrying on from the great game last week and were playing well as
a team. The sun shone down and Erica, Karen and Mary shone out with
some great movement down the left side. But still no goals. There
were lots (and lots) of short corners which resulted in... nothing,
despite the whole team giving it a go!
Team: Anna Stuttard, Sarah Anderson, Jena Kitley, Kate Lievesley, Penny Ganser, Lynne Ruddick, Erica Goldsmith, Karen Dodds, Mary Cook, Emma Billsdon, Rona Francis.
Women's 5s vs. Byfleet Ramblers 2s: Drew 1-1
I was going to start this match report off as a "Dear Chris" letter to THD's resident agony uncle Chris Coleman. I realised, however, that seeing as Chris goes out with T5 member Len and had probably heard already about Saturday's game, it was highly unlikely that he would actually be reading this far down the match reports. Also, there doesn't seem to be any particularly tempestuous movements in the waters of T5's love lives at the moment (in fact some members have reported a particularly desert like status during much of January and February and eagerly await a hopeful oasis at April's dinner. Hmmm - don't get your hopes up girls). My letter would have therefore revolved around how to address the technical problems which emerged from our latest game.
Something else has perplexed me of late and that is why certain teams add funny terms to the end of their team names. Is it anecdotal? Is it ironic? In the case of Byfleet Ramblers it is most certainly "res ipsa loquitur" although by the time I got home after the game I had managed to come up with an addition to the T5 logo which is too politically incorrect to list here in full, but begins with "s" and ends with "zes". Byfleet were slow, bumbling and diiiiiiiiiiiirty tacklers. Despite scoring in the first ten minutes, we allowed ourselves to bring the game down to their level with things getting so bad during the second half we were in real danger of losing.
That said, Helen Fermor played a stormer as did Sally "positively glowing with this huge engagement ring on my finger" Shephard despite having spent 2 hours the previous evening holding back her fiancé's hair whilst he expelled the contents of his stomach over himself and Charing Cross Road before she was able to get him on some form of transport home. Nice to know it's not just hockey boys who are sick all over themselves. A quick mention must also go to the youngest addition to the T5 family - old girl Sarah Flach's baby boy Alexander who came along to watch with his mum. He slept through most of the game - sensible little chap.
Team: Andrea B, Andrea V, Fatima, Faith, Clarkie, Helen F, Kate, Len, Martina, Inke, Sally.
Scorer: Kate
POTM: Helen F
Next Game: Saturday, 17 March vs. Shirley - (home: 3pm)
Women's 6s vs. Bank of England: Lost 2-3
An early start but with 3 subs, home advantage, a previous victory over a team who mostly boasted blue rinses or an oyster card... we started full of spirit. However we struggled right from the start, maybe a month off hockey on my part didn't help my fitness but we just couldn't clear the ball efficiently from our D and when we could we just couldn't connect at the other end. Unbelievably we found ourselves 3-0 down at half time. A stirring team talk by Katie did stir us into action during the second half and we scored twice, the first textbook goal by Katie off a cross by me (!) and the second from Vicky in her usual left post position. Having perked up we did string some good passes together and we scrambled for a third but unfortunately these OAPS were really Supergrans in disguise, slower they may be but they certainly had more skill than we did after a night out. A disappointing result.
Team: Charlotte (GK) Jo, Shona,Jess, Katie, Mags, Clare, Mae Lynne, Lucy, Vicky, Gigi, Karen, Lex, Alannah.
Scorers: Katie, Vicky
Next Match: Sunday 11th March v Purley (away); Saturday 17 March vs. Richmond (away)
Dragons vs. Sinners - Cancelled
Next Game: Sunday, March 18, 2007 vs. Harleston Magpies Mixed (Away)
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