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Newsletter 2006/07
Since 2003/04 the club has produced weekly match reports. From the start of the 2005/06 season this became a weekly newsletter, distributed during the season, containing match reports from each of the games played that weekend as well as other key information and a selection of adverts and offers.
Fri 23-Mar-07Issue 24
Although you could be forgiven for thinking it was mid-winter, in fact we are reaching the twilight of the 2007-8 season and apparently spring. Rapturous applause for the Tornado’s for reaching the play offs, here’s hoping they go forth and conquer in a few weeks time. The men’s 2s and 3s are done and dusted, happily ending up mid-table. Chris wrote a lengthy and lyrical piece of prose to conclude the season which has been brutalised by the editorial knife, email him for the full-length version, director’s commentary, making of-, trailers etc. The women’s 3s, 4s and 5s all did us proud this week with solid victories.
The men’s and women’s 1s both have a tense few weeks ahead, both counting points and goals, the former to avoid relegation and the latter for promotion and then to travel virtually to Norway to continue their cup run. St Mark and the Dragons also went to the ends of the earth seeking precious silverware and glory, but failed to vanquish their Fenland foes and returned empty-handed, but safely out of the Fenland mire.
And now, the end is near, and so we face the final curtain … we’ve laughed, loved and cried, had our share of losing… Whatever happens in next few weeks, we did it ooooouuuuuur way. And thanks to all for getting your money in for Centenary Dinner – it’s going to be a massive event so be prepared for the characteristic THD glitz, glam and bling.
Reports by: Alex Brown, Chris Coleman, Wes Cole, Mark Jones, Gemma Baker, Kate Selway, Karen Dodds, Anna Stuttard, Kate Straker .
Men’s 1s vs. Maidstone: Lost 2 -1
This was a must win match for TH&D in a bid to get out of the dreaded playoff relegation zone. It was always going to be tough game versus a well organised Maidstone team striving to secure promotion into South Prem 1. Despite a battling team performance and resolute defending in the second half THD went down 2-1. This means THD must win next week and hope other results go favourably.
Maidstone had the better of the early exchanges. Only tackles from Smudge and Boucher denying the skilful Maidstone forwards any serious chances. THD then got a goal from a well worked short corner - Gaz Weir slotting in from the left post. Unfortunately almost immediately Maidstone came back and slotted a short corner of their own - a flick left.
The second half was a similar story to the second half - Maidstone started strongly with lots of possession, but THD came back into the game and won a penalty flick half way through, after Gaz Weir again got on the end of a short corner rebound at the left post- unfortunately it was missed as the goalie (who was pretty much the size of the goal) pulled off a good save off Boucher.
Maidstone piled on the pressure and eventually got the winner after a cross was pushed in with 5 minutes to go. Despite some weaving runs from Balchin THD could not get the equaliser and were aggrieved by an umpire who failed to blow for anything unless it was in the other umpire’s half. All in all disappointing, but all is not lost and THD need to go into next week's game with the same work rate and passion
Team: Holmes, Boucher, Banners, Balchin, Weir, Laurent, Brown, Jimmy, Fez, Paul Harvey, Rob Heath, Smudge
MOM: Balchin
TFC: Brown (for picking up kit)
Next game: Saturday 24 March vs. Banbury (home)
Men's 2s vs. St. Albans 3s: Won 5-3
Well that’s that then. 5th in the league. Some would call that mid-table respectability but I would say that if you are using one word to describe the mighty, mighty Tulse Hill and Dulwich 2nd XI it certainly wouldn’t be respectable. In brief, how can any team be respectable with the Nurse in it?! A Team any man, woman or child would give their right arm to be a part of. With that in mind I have been in contact with EMI and they have agreed to record a 2nd XI inspired compilation album. At present the running list is……
Will Pigden does Kazakhstan National Anthem by Borat John Nurse does Golden Brown by the Stranglers Alex Brown, Paul Harvey, Dave Casement, Laurent Ferron, Sam Hiley do The Only way is up by Yazz and the plastic population Nick Jacob does Back in Black by AC/DC Chris Coleman does Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle ED Stevenson does 2-4-6-8 Motorway by Tom Robinson Band Ed Marland does 500 miles by the Proclaimers Fergus Jagger does Lets get Ready to Ruble by PJ and Duncan Potty does Colourblind by Darius
Will be available in all good record shops from April 1st!
Oh yeah we play hockey too and we won! Coleman was a 2 goal hero! He is class that boy!
I will use this opportunity to thank a few people as this is my last ramble of the season so might as well make the most of it. There are so many people to thank I don’t know where to start. I would like to thank my mum and dad for always supporting me throughout my career as an actor and without them I never would have won this Oscar (wipe tear from face) and I’d like to say this statue is suspiciously phallic! On a serious not thanks to Ferg for covering me when needed and looking so much like the Hoff. Thanks to all the boys turn in week in week out and making my job easy and thanks to Len for always letting me touch her on the boobs!
I have to say at this in the season whether people actually read the ramblings of Coleman and I wonder if I write the words xxxx or xxxx or xxxx monkey whether I would get away with it. Well I’m sure I’ll find out now! [World weary editor has read this far and has duly wielded the Tribune censorial permanent marker… sorry Chris..!]
Bring on Nottingham!
I’m bugging out and going home. Keep well.
Team: Coleman, Ferg, Nurse, Mike K, Jacob, Potty, Tom M, Piggy, Jack D, Ed Stevenson, Dale Winton
Umpire: Bert and Ernie
Scorers: Nurse, Hoffmeister, Potty and Coleman the 2 goal hero!
Next match: Nottingham 6s. Jacob get on with organising
Men's 3s vs. Chiswick 3s: Drew 2-2
The last of the season from me. Could have been an amazing season, winning crunch match, had previous weeks gone our way. Damn good job it wasn't as we only had 8. If it wasn't for superstar appearances from Colin, Doug and Akash it wouldn't have happened at all and to them and another umpiring appearance from Billie we are all very grateful.
Anyway since they've been pretty strong this year and beat us 4-1 last time round it wasn't looking good, especially with the 10am sand of Crystal Palace blowing in our faces. But a good spirit and determination came from all and forced an early lead from a good right wind move and neat finish from Adam. They equalised with a short corner slipping into the near post but we had the legs on them in the second half and really opened up a very physical game resulting in Joe bullying the ball over the line with all his weight behind it . Poor ball. And backboard. So ahead we were with 5 minutes to go when a good open move by them carved us apart and made the score 2-2. So a good result in fairness for us although disappointed we didn't get all 3. Still anyone who was lucky enough to be watching there will always remember the greatest hockey performance ever seen, definitely in the 3rd team, certainly at Crystal Palace and probably ever in the world. No-one would have got round Robbie Layton that day. Gracious - no, elegant probably not but devastatingly efficient and committed. Looks like that's player of the season tied up then!?!?!?!?
Team: Jeremy Porter , Wes Cole, Robbie Layton, Ollie, Ed Gardiner, Adam Taylor, Jo Griffiths, Foggy, Ben Wordsworth, Colin, Akash, Doug, Bobby
Umpire: Billie Dowie
Scorer: Adam Taylor, Joe Griffiths
Tornados vs. PHC Chiswick 3s: Lost 0-1
So another season as the most successful (TM) men's team in the club draws to a close... apart from the Play-offs of course... gives time to reflect on just on how devilishly good we really are... so let's look at both the sinful and the virtuous side of the Tornados...
Sinful side Pride - We rock, we know we rock and yet we still rock without trying. As for Modesty... it's the best way of losing your biggest fan. We even lose in some style. Envy - Everyone wants to be us, copy us or date us - men & women. Even those that don't can't help but talk about us... see you are doing it now! Gluttony - Most of the team are fat... 'nuff said. Lust - A large proportion of the team have a dodgy/chequered past... in some cases present... and all cases future! Wrath - We hate the opposition and all those who dare to take up sticks against us.. or whistles for that matter. They will get theirs, just you see... Greed - The team strive for more goals or pies dependent upon the particular player and are never satisfied. Sloth - You don't get fat without serious commitment to slothing... plus the reason we are the most sociable team in the club is that we can't be arsed to move away from the bar!
Virtuous side This was more difficult to quantify as when you look through the list... faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, prudence - as far as I can tell... it’s just a bunch of girls names - apart from fortitude which sounds like a fat bird’s name.
Well stick with just the sins thanks.
Team: MJ (GK), Loz Mockery, Dougal Davis, Jon Kirby, Charlie Krasun, James Perrott, Si Riley, Si Wilshire, Tom Alexander & Tom Illingworth, Geoff Pritchard, & Nick Hart.
Umpire: Chiswick.
Next game: Saturday, March 24, 2007 Alleyn Old Boys 1st XI (away)
Diamonds vs. St Albans 5s. Won 10-0 (Walkover)
The 3s & Tornados were delighted that our oppo pulled out, meaning five of us were temporarily promoted to allow those teams to field a full side. We didn't need the three points, but it does now put us within range of 7th position – a win this weekend and we overtake Surbiton.
Next game: Saturday 24th March vs. Hampstead & Westminster Spaniards, 11.00 at DC
Royals vs. Reading: Lost 1-4
Team: Matteau, Will, Keith, Andy B, Mike W, Mike Mc, Ed, Colin, Kim, Chris, Akash, Doug
Women’s 1s vs. Purley Walcountians 1s: Won 6-2
It wasn't an early start, but you'd have been forgiven for thinking it was due to the fact that most of us still seemed to be napping at the start of the game allowing Purley to go 1-0 up within minutes of the first whistle. Not ideal, especially as promotion seems to very much rely on us beating H&W through goal difference. But we settled and a few goals were scored, the order of which I am struggling to remember, but Sharon 'Popeye' Smith got on the end of Alex's cross to deflect into the net, Jen slotted home a p-flick, Faye pounced for another, Martha waltzed her way into the goal with the ball, EJ neatly netted another p-flick and Lisa hit a beauty in the last few minutes to make it 6.
Unfortunately Purley had also put a second past us through a short corner, where, defensively, we were crucially understaffed due to various prior engagements and those that accompanied Pipes in goal were not as well drilled as we could have been. Still, we knew we needed to score some goals to help our league position and the girls came up trumps. Shame that H&W had put 5 past West Witney, which means they are now 1 goal ahead of us, albeit still level on points. 1 very crucial game left in the league in 2 weeks’ time, no doubt we will have no nails left by the end of it and out nerves will be shot to shreds.
Team: Pipes, Alex, Hils, Jen, Nicky, Faye, Gem, Lisa, Ej, Lou, Martha & Sharon
Women’s 2s vs. Wimbledon 2A: Lost 2-1
Opposition: 11 players plus an umpire. Whoops, she didn't see our second goal go 12 inches over the line. Whoops again, she didn't see them kick the ball outside the D before scoring their second goal. This was a match for remembering Kipling: if you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same... Nice theory; hard to put into practice. Bet no-one ever said to her, Obi-Wan Kenobi-like across a sea of boiling lava, "But you were the chosen one!!!!!"
Much more joyous was the return of the ultra-streamlined Penny from the pleasures of the Trinidadian winter, winning our short corners and scoring our goal(s). Biba took player of the match for her determined performance and excellent coverage, and Dulcie saved a couple of crackers.
Moment of the day, however, goes to the tube of Deep Heat which turned out to be 9 years older than its use-by date, and provided an intense graphic image of what "separation of powers" really means.
Team: Dulcie, Kato, Lucy May, Hannah, Lucy M, Biba, Loggers, Sarah B, Rosie, Emma, Jo, Penny, Zoey
POTM: Biba
Umpire: Chris Richman
TFC: George with both her knees but not all of her cartilage
Next match: 24 March away against Croydon MO
Women’s 3s vs. Thames Valley: Won 3-1
Fresh from her success as last week’s player of the match, Sophie took charge of short corners and we scored from 3 in the first half. This is quite amazing – I don’t recall ever having such success at shorts. It’s like playing in an international match (well sort of). Sophie scored the 1st and 3rd with Helen chipping in a rather lovely short range flick for the 2nd. Special mention also to Beth’s hitting out and Lou’s stopping, without which Sophie wouldn’t have got to strike the ball.
We had opportunities to score more and Lou gave an inspirational half time talk to encourage us out of a collective lethargy to actually get more goals. Sadly our determination lasted until the push back and we were strangely quiet and subdued. Sophie popped up at defensive shorts to run out and clear the ball and Dulcie in goal touched the ball a few times without being seriously troubled. This was just as well because we didn’t score any more and they did get one back. Difficult to say quite what was wrong, and of course we won but it should have been more convincing.
Team: Rachel Biggs, Sophie Carter, Lou Curry, Dulcie Davies , Karen Dodds, Lucy Gaskin, George Hills, Beth Little, Stacey Sellman, Helen Shackleton, Jen Watson
Player of the match: Sophie
Umpire: Jo Malkin; Lucy Muldoon
Next match: 24 March away to Barnes Hounslow and Ealing
Women's 4s v. South Godstone 1s: Won 3-1
Eventually after a bit of a scrappy start on a very slow pitch the last 20 minutes of this game saw the good hockey we are getting used to playing - resulting in a well needed win with everyone who played due a mention...
Olivia - another stormer from the feisty youngster with a comedy 'I hate you' shout at the oppo as she saved a short corner with a bit of unprotected leg.
Women’s 5s vs. Shirley: Won 1-0
With Faith off skiing the task of writing the match report has been handed over this week with strict rules to be as witty as possible and not worry too much about the hockey. Well, a win doesn’t happen that often in the T5 world so when it does we need to talk about it. After a disappointing result the week before, against a team which should have been easily beaten, the pressure was on to avoid definite relegation. Faith assured us to just have fun but I think really we all knew this was a game we had to win.
There seems to be a constant factor when we win (it has happened once or twice) which is having Ferrett screaming at us from the sideline. So this week we went one better and put Ferrett on the pitch (she wouldn’t have it any other way!). With plenty of shouting and advice from the back (thank you Ferrett) we started the game well. Plenty of attacking play but as usual that crucial goal seemed to elude us and it was still 0-0 at half time. Peter’s half time tactical talk gave us some good advice and with perseverance a goal came in the second half from our trusty forward Kate Leckie. Shirley were trying hard to equalise but the defence, especially Fatima on the left, was having a storming game and we held on to win 1-0. The score line could have been better but the three points is what we needed and we got them, so smiles all round.
For the first time this season we are out of the relegation zone, that one point ahead still counts, so here’s to enjoying Saturday’s game and doing our best to keep the points coming.
Big thank you to Ferrett and Peter (watching his 5th game of the day) who helped us get that crucial win. And lastly, special mention to Nicole who after being struck by the ball during the warm up played the game only to find out that she had in fact broken her toe…..hope it mends quickly!
Team: Sally, Ferrett, Martina, Nicole, Len, Fatima, Faith, Helen, Clarkie, Kate, Del , Stephie, Andrea B
Scorer: Kate
MOTM: Fatima
Next Match: Saturday 24th March vs. Cheam, away
Women’s 6s vs. Richmond Ladies 5s: Lost 1-4
Ah, Saturday March 17th… an auspicious day, the sun was shining, it was ‘Super Saturday’ in the 6 nations, Wales were once again to be consigned to the wooden spoon meaning I could happily mock my other half despite England’s relatively poor showing, oh, and THD 6s travelled to Richmond for a hockey match.
To be honest though, I was feeling the effects of the night before slightly more than I thought I would do the night before, if you see what I mean. So I know we went, I also remember some fairly powerful water cannons from the water-based pitch next door (which we were too lowly to be playing on) which made us popular with the previous men’s game, given that we were in the away kit… There seemed to be a lot of short corners needing defending, and once again Charlotte’s save to goal ratio was extreme. But there was a goal from Lex which was an absolute cracker, and given that we had no other forwards available that was good enough for us.
I appreciate however that this may not sate the discerning Tribune readers so have included a selection of headlines from Saturday to prove that yes, there is life away from hockey.
But beware thundersnow may strike next week Jane Austen and the case for extreme porn Women facing jail after goading toddlers to fight Laptop ladies discuss when it’s all right to kiss and blog
OK I lied about that last one, that was from today’s paper but damn it’s good.
Oh and yes, I am aware Wales won. But since I was forced to watch the game on Sky+ a further three times over the weekend I’d rather not talk about it. (KS)
Team: Charlotte, Jo, Kate, Jess, Shona, Mae, Lex, Clare, Inke, Mags, Lucy
Goal: Lex
Next match: Saturday 24th v Kenley 1s, JAGS 12.30
Dragons vs. Harleston Magpies HA Trophy R2: Lost 1-4
Like a small child with a lobotomy this team were good... no scratch that... they were great... so great you could have taken them home and used them as part of a wood fire. Despite that it was more disappointing than getting a jigsaw with one piece missing to travel into Middle Earth to get beaten by the cast of the Brady Bunch. Well I saw the Brady Bunch... you'd have to combine them with, at least, Disney's ducks Huey, Louie & Dewy plus Donald and his wife (no-one ever remembers her name) to get the requisite number of webbed feet on display here. There were more generations on show than a bad 80s Saturday night show compared by Bruce Forsyth.
The battle lines were drawn and within moments they started to plough through them - seems you can't take the farmer out the fens... so we responded in kind be being agricultural... still to no avail... sorry I meant no... a veil... as that must have been what the umpire was wearing when he disallowed the equaliser (No not Edward Woodward). The team continued to play in the force ten gale - with serious concern that certain munchkin proportioned players may get 'swept away into the broads' (he he he... that sounds like being pushed into a load of women!).
They were just a little too Penn & Teller for our Daniels & McGee... still the whole experience was 'Magic'... and so we packed up and started our trek back from Mordor to the shire... as we left the clubhouse grounds - if you paused and listened you could just make out..."C'mon boy, squeal like a pig..." from somewhere in the woods...
Team: Piggy (GK), MJ, Chris Coleman, James Kirby, Banners, Ed Marland, Will Nurse, Ratty, Gemma Baker, Lisa Cox, Lou Curry, Lucy Muldoon & EJ.
Scorer(s): Will Nurse.
Umpire: Si Riley.
Next game: Sunday, March 25, 2007 Wanderers Optimists home 12.30 BP
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